Funeral Etiquette

Funeral Etiquette

Knowing how to behave at a funeral plays a key role in paying respect to the family of the deceased. It is important to understand the rules of funeral etiquette, especially when attending traditional funeral services. Below, we have provided you with some advice regarding what to wear, what to say, and how to act at a funeral.

The Basics of Funeral Etiquette

What to Wear to a Funeral

Today's end-of-life services are so varied, ranging from the traditional funeral to more relaxed celebration-of-life, that it's challenging to know exactly what's expected of you.

Your attire should be what you are most comfortable with for a formal occasion. If you would wear a suit or formal dress for a serious occasion, you should wear that. But if your dress is casual even for a serious occasion then you should wear that.

It's important that you feel comfortable with what you wear to a funeral.

What to Say at a Funeral

No one expects you to say more than a few words and grieving family members are often unable to give you their full attention. So, keep it short and make it sincere.

"I'm so very sorry for your loss" may work very well. You might want to share a personal story about a time you shared with the deceased. But, watch closely for signs that your audience needs to move on to receive condolences from other funeral guests.

When speaking to other funeral guests, speak quietly. This is not a time to discuss business or share stories about your recent vacation. Instead, focus on sharing and listening to stories of times spent with the deceased.

How to Act at a Funeral

If you're unsure about what actions to take when being led by a pastor or celebrant, simply follow along. Be discrete and respectful of others.

Always leave your cell phone in the car or at the very least, turn it to vibrate mode or turn it off.

Emotions to Expect at a Funeral

It's good to know what emotions should be expected so you can feel the most comfortable when you attend a visitation before the day or evening before the funeral, at the funeral, or at a post-funeral reception. Even at weddings and baptisms, people cry. Just like at a funeral, these pivotal life moments are very emotionally-charged. That means you can certainly expect to find some people crying at a funeral. It's always helpful to remember to bring a travel pack of tissues with you; however, the funeral home staff will also have access to tissues if you - or the person seated next to you - has a need to wipe their eyes.

But, here's something you should also know: don't be surprised if people share fun memories and laughter at funerals, and very often at visitations the evening before the funeral, or post-funeral receptions. As family and friends recall the stories of the person's life and their experiences with them, funny stories are remembered and are sometimes recalled with a great about of joy. Crying at times, but also laughing at other times in the appropriate setting is part of healing. And all of us need healing. A funeral is a rich mixture of sorrow and joy. In fact, when we're at a funeral the behaviors of guests remind us of the well-known remark from Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss: “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

Follow-up with Kindness

Families always comment to us how blessed and comforted they are when they receive a card or note of sympathy in the weeks following the funeral.  It's the days and weeks after the funeral that a family faces some of their most challenging moments.

A week after the funeral, send the family a sympathy note or card. It only takes a few minutes, and produces a huge emotional blessing for the family and for you knowing you're reached out.  For some people making a phone call to check in with them to see if there's anything they need is a great way to show you you haven't forgotten them.

Another great option is to use the Online Book of Memories memorial tribute page to leave a condolence or story online for the family.  

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